


to be a boy (hiding in estrogen and wearing aubergine dreams)

by scorpiusismypatronus



Category: Harry Potter and the Cursed Child - Thorne & Rowling
Genre: Ambiguous Relationships, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Dysphoria, EDNOS, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Self Harm, Trans Male Character, finally italicized, graphic descriptions of self harm, how tf do I spell that, like they dont get together in the fic, mlm, ok, relationship ambiguity, that happens in thats not safe (but this is), trans scorpius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 21:49:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11814864
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scorpiusismypatronus/pseuds/scorpiusismypatronus
Summary: Scorpius has an eating disorder





	to be a boy (hiding in estrogen and wearing aubergine dreams)

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning for eating disorders and self harm. Please stay safe.
> 
> I'm not romanticizing any of these things, this is just me Coping(tm). If you are struggling with anything like that portrayed in the fic, please get help. You are loved.

9 September

It started with a throwaway comment from Rose about him being chubby.

And he decided that morning to skip breakfast.

••

_12 September_   
_05:22 weight: 133_   
_06:45 one slice of toast with honey, 160 calories_   
_12:45 one PB &J sandwich, 340 calories._   
_18:45 grilled cheese and tomato soup, 500 calories_   
_20:27 15 minute run on treadmill: -90 calories_   
_Total: 910 calories_

••

_13 September_

_If I eat 500 calories less than I normally do each day, I'll lose a pound per week. If I eat 1700 calories a day, I should eat 1200. If dinner is 700 that leaves 500 for breakfast and lunch._

_Losing weight will have the added advantage of smaller breasts so I'll pass better._

_I have to do this. Maybe I'll even start working out?_

••

26 September

05:58 weight: 131  
06:45 apple: ~40 calories  
12:45 ham & cheese sandwich 340 calories  
18:45 salad (carrots 35 lettuce 15 dressing 30 chicken 100 almonds 100) 280 calories  
Total: 660 calories

Scorpius smiled.

••

19 October

"Hey Scor, you okay? You seem different."

"I'm fine, Albus," he said. The lie tasted bitter.

••

_31 October_

_Skipping the Halloween feast. It feels amazing._

_Weight: 127_   
_15 minute jog: -90_   
_Breakfast: apple 80 calories_   
_Lunch: strawberries 100 calories_   
_15 minute jog: -90_   
_Total: 0_

••

It was crazy how no one noticed; no one asked where he'd been during the feast.

It was that easy, he told himself. Wouldn't hurt to do it again.

••

_1 November_

_Weight: 126_   
_20 minute morning run: -120_   
_Breakfast: 1 apple 80_   
_Skipped lunch, went on a 10 minute run: -60_   
_Dinner: 1 apple, one Diet Coke: 80_   
_total: -20_

••

11 November  
_I feel kind of bleh. The hunger pains are gone, amazingly, but occasionally my stomach rumbles. Really tired. My breasts are smaller too, barely, but I noticed so that's something. I'm going to sleep in and grab a Diet Coke for class._

••

Albus had been kind of distant lately, but Scorpius found him in their second period class and grinned. "You working with me?"

"Of course," says Albus.

"There's not really time before class ends to do this, so you wanna work on it during lunch?"

"Sure. Library?"

"Okay."

••

Albus and him skip lunch every day for two weeks. Albus carries around snacks for lunch and eats them at breaktimes. Scorpius doesn't.

••

25 November

_Weight: 122_   
_Breakfast: Diet Coke_   
_Lunch: an apple : 80_   
_Dinner: a 15m walk around the grounds, - 60 calories_   
_Total: 20 calories_

••

30 November  
_I am so tired right now. But it's fine, because guess what?!? IM 121LBS!!!_  
 _Only 6 more to go before I'm at a good weight. Only 6 weeks. A month if I try._

••

"Scorpius, you okay? I haven't seen you at lunch recently."

Scorpius shoved off Albus's concern. "It's nothing. I'm just studying."

••

15 December

_The Christmas feast is coming soon. How will I get out of it? I don't want to eat i don't want to eat not when im so close to my goal..._   
_I can do this I just have to be strong_

••

24 December

_Diet coke for every meal._

_This. Is. Control._

••

25 December

_Two Hershey kisses. 44 calories._   
_Ice water. 0_   
_Ten minute run: -60_   
_Total: -16_   
_weight: 116_

••

_One more pound_

••

31 December

_Weight: 114_   
_I got there._   
_But it doesn't feel like enough._   
_I'll get to 110. If that still feels bad, I'll try for 100._

••

1 January

_Happy New Years_   
_My resolution? Lose weight._   
_I dunno. This is starting to make me feel bad. I'm always tired. I'm always lying._   
_But on the other hand._   
_The high when I see the number on the scale go down is worth it all._

••

4 January

Albus isn't talking to me and I don't know why I don't know why

••

9 January

Things can't get worse.

Scorpius twists the bobby pin in the screw until the blade falls out. He puts the empty pencil sharpener on his bedside table and stares at it.

No one will walk in. It's a Hogsmeade weekend. They're all out buying candy, Scorpius reasoned.

He cupped the blade in his pale hand.

Not the wrists. The wrists are too obvious.

Not the thighs. It's the second most common.

The stomach? His side?

Scorpius glances at the first aid kit on his bedside table.

This couldn't make anything worse.

He gripped the blade in his fingers.

And dragged it across his side.

As the razor sliced, the skin parted, and small ruby beads spilled out, merging into a red line.

It was beautiful.

He felt his heart relax as he did it again.

This was what he was made to do.

••

10 January 02:14

He couldn't sleep.

He couldn't sleep.

He needed to cut.

His side was aching for it.

It was begging for it.

His brain was too.

_Please. One cut and I'll let you sleep._

It was so late.

He could not sleep.

The aching for his blades was more than he could take.

As he made another cut across his rib cage, he wondered what he'd gotten himself into.

••

It hurt to swing his arms by his sides. It hurt to put on a shirt. It hurt to lift up his arms.

He deserved it.

••

10 January

_Weight: 111_   
_Breakfast: apple 80_   
_Lunch: ice water 0_   
_Dinner: sleep_   
_15 minute jog: -90_   
_total: -10_

••

He stared at himself in the mirror.

His ribs. He could almost see them.

He had more body hair than ever.

His breasts were smaller.

His butt was less pronounced.

He ran his fingers through his hair. A couple strands fell out.

_That's fine. Everyone loses hair sometimes._

He had more to go. More to go before the ace bandage completely hid his breasts. More to go until his periods stopped.

He was so close.

••

14 January

"Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy."

Scorpius turned at the sound of his preferred name. "Yeah?"

Albus stood behind him.

"I thought you were ignoring me," said Scorpius before Albus had a chance to talk.

"No... not last time I checked anyway. Can we talk?"

The relief of Albus not ignoring him was washed away with the "can we talk?"

"Um, okay."

Albus grabbed his hand and led him into the nearest room, which happened to be the library.

"Scorpius, please, I know something's up with you. We barely talk anymore. I haven't seen you eat in weeks." Scorpius's heart leapt into his throat and not in a good way. "You're more reclusive than ever. You either sleep all day and stay up all night or sleep for half the day and act like a zombie most of the time." Albus reached out and placed his fingertips on Scorpius's ribs. "I can feel your bones almost, Scorpius. Tell me the truth. What's going on?"

Scorpius was practically shaking by now. Oh god should I tell him...

Albus's shoulders sank. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out. I'm so sorry."

"You're okay - it's- me," Scorpius said through stutters. "I'm sorry, I-"

"No, it's okay."

"I'm sorry. I'm fine."

Albus said nothing.

"I am fine, Albus."

"Are you sure?"

It took a moment for him to summon the courage to open his mouth. "No."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," said Scorpius again. "But I need to. C-can I?"

Albus nodded.

And the story began to spill from his lips.

"Rose made some well-meaning joke about me being chubby so I skipped breakfast. It wasn't a big deal. And then I started counting calories, but it wasn't a big deal. But then it was. And I was skipping meals and not brushing my teeth because of the calories and calories took over everything and it just got worse and worse and I don't know what to do anymore, I'm so lost; and I thought I was fine but I'm not."

"I'm sorry," said Albus. "I know that doesn't help. But you're a wonderful person and you don't deserve this."

This was the final straw that bought tears to Scor's eyes.

"Let it out, bro. Crying is a release. It's okay."

Scorpius wrapped his arms around the other boy and buried his face in his neck. "Thank you," said Scor. "Thank you."


End file.
